this is the slamspitfolksong

So, this blog post took me several attempts to write. Most of it can be found below. On a side note, I am really not a good storyteller.

The idea was to put all my thoughts and everything that has been most prominent in my recent part of life in a little cute story that leaves everybody thinking. But let’s be honest, there are people who actually learn how to do this and still do not succeed. SO why should I?

And we are right there where my problem is – or at least one of the many I have. 

Do not get me wrong, I do not think I am special in any way… well, at least most of the time. The greater part of the problems I have are most likely the ones that a lot of other people have as well. I think the difference is to admit them. I am coming more and more to the conclusion that one should do so with all the consequences. What sense does it make to keep everything inside? 

That said and since I am not a good writer, never was and probably never will be, I just write my thoughts down as they come in my head and all this may not make any sense. But now, trying to get to the point. I find myself in a really strange situation. 

Everything, really everything, is basically perfect but I find myself being sad most if the time without really knowing why that is.

For a long time, almost since I actively can remember, it always felt like if I wanted something I have to work for it really hard. at one point people just saw that I can achieve anything, whatever I set my mind to it. Believe me when I say people did not see that coming. 

Sadly, I always had the feeling that my family was actually one of them. But then how could they if I never really shared anything with them. 

Why did I not share?

They never saw how much it cost me to do so. By now it feels like people take it for granted that what ever has to be done will be done. What they don’t see is that it broke me in a way. Suddenly things are expected from you, but you are tired of doing them yourself. 

Attempts to be poetic… my original idea of the post:

Once up on a time there was a little girl waiting on the world to evolve around her. She lived in a small town where everybody knew everybody – just like in the way small towns are. It lied in a beautiful country where you could hear the animals speak at night when you listen very closely. 

They told about their day and welcomed the dawn of night. Laying down to rest and let the night creatures to come out and rule the night. Everything was set in its way. 

There was nothing fancy or particular fancy about life in that town.

She lived with her mother and father in a small house a little bit outside of the town. 

The house was close to the forest where you could hear all the sounds of the night. She also had a sister. They got along well. Or course you had the sisterly rumble from time to time, but it still was nothing particular gruesome about it. The parents were not rich nor poor. They were hard working people doing their best to raise their children. 

The mother was well known in this town. It almost seemed that she actually knew everybody and everybody knew her. She was not born in there but came to find work. She grew in a similar town like our little girl lived. The father came from a big city far away. Like the mother he left his home to find work and settle down. 

One day their paths crossed. Shortly after they met they married. And as all young married couples do they had a baby – our little girl’s sister. A little time later our little girl came along.

Our little girl had a rough start into life. She spend a lot of time surrounded by doctors and nurses, but non of them really knew why this little girl was sick all the time. The first year passed by and she grew stronger. Since it was common for both parents to work children were given to childminders and late on she went to start schooling. Different to her sister she always seemed to be a little outside of everything. She got along school well and she had friends, but looking closely she always was more alone. It is hard to say if she wanted to be alone or if the other just did not quite know what to do with her. 

Her sister on the other hand seemed to do just fine.

The girls grew older and learned about the world. Their father tried to teach them everything he knew about where they came from, about history, music and most of all the forest. He wanted them to understand how everything is connected. At the time the little girl did not like this at all. She already had to learn so much in school and did not want to continue when she was home. 

Still, her parents took both girls into the forest every weekend. Sometimes on the way the little girl started to stare into the woods and started to make up stories in her mind. The longer the walks and drives became the more vivid became the stories. She started to see the characters in front of her doing the things and living the lives she made up in her head. Her parents and her sister never noticed that. Sometimes she even found her made up stories much more livable then the life she was in. 

She started to put herself into the stories.